Lost and Found
by thewinchesterlifestyle
Summary: He's sitting there staring at scraped palms and scuffed shoes. When he looks around he can't see souls. Can't see the dark weight of sin or the joy of life lighting them up. The hidden layers of life are no longer visible to him and he swallows around the pain. His wings are gone. His grace stolen. Everything is cold and hard and sharp.


**Disclaimer**: If you recognize it then I don't own it.

**Pairing**: Cas/Dean

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He's sitting there staring at scraped palms and scuffed shoes. When he looks around he can't see souls. Can't see the dark weight of sin or the joy of life lighting them up. The hidden layers of life are no longer visible to him and he swallows around the pain. His wings are gone. His grace stolen. Everything is cold and hard and sharp. Sometimes he wishes he would have fallen from the sky like his siblings. Would have landed and never gotten back up because it hurts. Everything hurts and he's alone. Lost. Part of him hopes the Winchesters never find him. That Dean doesn't see him brought so low. Unable to protect him or Sam. Another part wants to bury his face against Dean's neck while he holds onto the hunter as tightly as he can.

One time he prided himself on his swift actions, his beautiful wings and his place in the garrison. How he could hear the songs of the Heavenly Host and see those bright souls below. His Father's greatest creation. How obedience and being a good soldier, a good son, was the most important thing in his whole existence.

But now he's cold. And hurt. And so very lost in this huge world. The only thing keeping him warm, pushing him forward, is the only thing left of his "mojo" as Dean has called it in the past. It's his bond. It thrums and hums and sings through his body. Through his new soul. It sings of worry, loss, fear, hope, love, protection and determination.

After years of knowing the man, having been connected to him since raising him from Perdition, Cas _knew_ that Dean was searching for him. Had known the moment that Sam Winchester was once more healthy because the surge of relief that had soared through the bond caused his breath to hitch and his whole body had sagged with it. And then everything in Dean focused in on him. Cas had closed his eyes and tried to calm his racing heart. His emotions. But failed once more to do even that supposedly simple action.

That had been a few weeks ago and Cas is so tired. His body aches, his heart hurts and he is exhausted. He just wants to sleep. Once he asked his Father for a sign but it had been there the whole time. Dean Winchester kept trying to help him. To save him. And Cas hadn't been listening. Had been blinded and now his siblings were walking the Earth. Some were hunting him and more than likely the Winchesters. Maybe if they found him and killed him the family he'd managed to find would be safe.

Taking a deep breath Cas closes his eyes. Reaches and strokes the bond. Feels it warm and flare sending shock waves of reassurance. Of care and love.

Cas can no longer hear Dean's prayers but somehow Dean is still sending him things. Still thinking of him. Slowly he opens his eyes and gains his feet once more. Stumbling and righting himself as he looks around. It is going to be another night sleeping on a bench or under a bridge. Pulling his hoodie closer and stuffing freezing hands into the pockets he moves. Cas starts throwing everything into the bond so he can finally drop into some comforting state of sleep when he gets the chance.

The bench he finds is shrouded by trees and he lays down pulling the hood up to cover part of his face. Ignores the growling of his stomach and instead focuses on anything but his new humanity. Focuses on flight, how he could dart through time and the warmth of the Righteous Man's soul. How bright and pure. How until that moment he had never seen something so beautiful. His mind moves to the moment he decided Dean's cause was right. How he had found a new home and the prayers. Dean Winchester prayed to him. Faith. He'd once told Dean that prayer was a sign of faith and Dean poured that faith into Cas.

He's lost to the world and sleeping. It's dreamless and the darkness is vast until something is pulling him from the nothingness. A hand is shaking him and Cas feels his stomach sinking. He's going to be told he can't sleep here. Another police officer chasing off a homeless person and as his eyes are blinking open to see the inside of his hood there is a sharp burning behind his eyes. Tears. He has fought so hard not to shed any because he doesn't deserve it.

Then his hood is being pulled back and he's blinking into light. Trying to get the dancing spots out of his eyes when he hears it.

"_Cas_?"

Green and freckles. It's the first thing he makes out because if there is anything in this world that Castiel knows it is Dean Winchester's face. And the placement of every single freckle. The exact shade of green in his eyes. The absolute passion that radiates from his soul.

Then he's being pulled off the bench and into a tight hug. It is far tighter then the hug he received in Purgatory and he can feel how Dean's body shakes as those strong hands grip him tight. It takes Cas all of five seconds before he's gripping back just as tightly. Face buried against Dean as he breathes in the familiar smell. He has no idea how long they stand there or when he starts crying. But he can't see, his eyes burn and his whole face feels hot.

A hand is in his hair and he can hear soft words. Feel the vibration of Dean's chest as he speaks. The bond flares bright and he's clinging now. Knows he's broken and lost. That he's fallen and human. He's hurt Dean. And he's hurt Sam. He's failed in almost every way imaginable and Dean is standing in the middle of a park at some unknown hour comforting him.

When he pulls back and feels the cool air hitting his wet cheeks he finds himself blinking blurred eyes. But there are hands holding onto him and Cas focuses on Dean's eyes. How the green shines with care and understanding.

"I'm so sorry Dean."

"It's ok Cas. It's going to be ok." Dean's voice is still soft and Cas tries to calm his breathing. Bring it back to normal and a shudder runs through his body as he finally registers the cold. He crosses his arms and shuffles his feel. Tries to get the blood circulating and he feels off.

"How-?" but he doesn't get to finish when his teeth start to chatter slightly and now a frown is pulling at Dean's lips. The hunter stepping closer and pulling him close.

"Let's get you somewhere warm, Cas. A nice hot shower and some warm clothes." he's leading Cas along the path and Cas keeps stumbling because he doesn't want to take his eyes off of Dean. Is afraid this is a dream and he'll wake any moment to find himself alone.

Suddenly the Impala is there and he feels more tears in his eyes but holds them back. Forces them to stay because he feels sick with it and doesn't want to cry again. To give into that feeling because it makes his chest tight and his body heavy. He's going to focus on the warm band that Dean's arm makes on his back and the relief surging through the bond.

It races through his body and he's leaning heavily into Dean because the absolute force of it has him reeling. It's better than wings and feels lighter, more powerful then grace.

"Whoa Cas. You ok man?" Dean's holding onto him and staring at him. Searching his face and body to figure out what is wrong.

"I'm fine." he breathes again and once he's seated in the Impala Cas leans back. Rests his head and closes his eyes as the other door shuts. The engine purrs and low rock music plays. He's flashing back again to previous trips in the car and how Dean will sing along. Sometimes under his breath and sometimes out loud. Making wild gestures and losing himself into the music. Happy and carefree as he drives.

When the car finally parks Cas opens his eyes and turns to stare at Dean who is sitting there staring back at him. "How did you find me?" he finally gets the chance to ask it. Wants some kind of answer.

A blush starts to creep over freckled cheeks and Dean's eyes dart away briefly before flicking back, "There was this...pull. It kept pulling me in this direction and finally I said something to Sam." he sighs and continues, "We've been picking up hunts along the way and I couldn't sleep so I went for a drive." now Dean's lips are quirking and Cas can't believe it. Knows what it is and wonders if Dean has figured it out yet. The remnants of grace he'd left when he had raised Dean from Hell. "And I ended up at the park. Just started walking and there you were. Sleeping on a bench. Dammit Cas. Why didn't you find a way to call me?"

"I fell." it seems simple and he's sitting there watching Dean. Sees how those eyes darken at the words. "Metatron took my grace and used it to throw all of my siblings from Heaven."

"I'm sorry Cas." but his voice is tight and angry. Cas knows it isn't at him and he keeps watching. Head tilting slightly as Dean noticeably takes a steadying breath. "You have a home with us. With me. You know that, right?"

There's a light feeling and something else. Another emotion he hasn't quite gotten a chance to completely explore as a human. It's more present in a way that it wasn't when he was an angel full of grace. He seems closer to it and yet further away.

Part of him wants to deny it. To tell Dean he's useless and can't help. Can't protect them or be of any real use. But Cas is going to be selfish. He's going to try something different, instead of leaving, Cas is going to stay.

"I want to stay with you." he means it with every single cell in his being and all the grace stolen.

It lights up Dean's face and his eyes. There's a flare of pleasure that curls in his stomach at the sight and Cas finds himself grinning. Every moment of pain he's suffered since his fall was worth this instant. All of it because Dean doesn't smile enough.

"Alright. Let's get inside but we have to be quiet. Sammy's sleeping." they make it to the door and Dean leads Cas to the bathroom. Instructs him to shower while he gets a change of clothes and opens the door with some of his own in his arms. "I'm setting out some clean stuff Cas. Just change into it and we'll let you get a proper night of sleep."

"Thanks Dean." it comes from behind the shower curtain and Dean leaves the room to pull off his clothes. Wants something warm and comfortable as he finally pads over to his bed. Sits on the edge and simply waits for Cas to finish in the bathroom.

The door finally opens and he's standing there framed in the doorway. Pants hanging low on sharp hipbones and shirt dipping just low enough at the collar to show his collarbone. Cas's hair is a wild mess and he looks so tired that Dean finds himself rising. Crossing the distance and pulling Cas towards the bed. Bundling him under the covers and watching as the fallen angel sinks into the bed.

He backs away intending to sleep in the chair or the couch but Cas reaches out. Clutches at his wrist and stares up at him. "Stay." it's a first. Cas doesn't do this kind of thing and Dean finds himself nodding as Cas let's go. Watches him go to the other side of the bed and slip under the covers.

They're still warm from earlier and Dean sighs. Cas lays there listening to the Winchesters' breathing and he glances over to see Dean lying there next to him. Warm and real. Without thought he moves closer waits for a 'personal space' comment from Dean but there isn't one. Going with instinct Cas invades Dean's personal space and wraps an arm around the hunter. Feels the brief tensing of muscle before they go completely lax as Dean just moves into it. Let's Cas wrap his arms around him and then their legs tangle together. Bodies close and touching as Cas finally drops off into sleep. Dean follows him five minutes later with a small smile.

This time when Cas sleeps he isn't wrapped in darkness. He's wrapped in warmth and light and love. Safe and protected. For the first time since he fell his night isn't restless.

Hours later Sam wakes up and turns to regard Dean only to find himself blinking. Staring at the sight before him.

His brother is wrapped up in Cas's arms, features completely relaxed, as Cas smiles softly in his sleep. While the fallen angel looks thinner it doesn't stop Sam's huge smile. He has to stop the laugh from escaping as he keeps staring at them. They're all safe. Back together and maybe now they can all start healing. All of them.

It doesn't stop him from taking a few pictures of them on his phone. Sam stops himself from whistling as he showers and heads off to get breakfast. Something telling him they'd both be starving when they woke and Cas needed to gain back some of that weight he'd clearly lost. Their little family is complete once more and Sam doesn't bother to hide the smile on his face.


End file.
